Safety in Silence
- Aug 7, 2023
- 1 min read
Updated: Sep 28, 2023
I sometimes go silent. From a young age, whenever something got difficult or I got in trouble, I would sink into a silence. My family and friends like to call it a "sulk". I know I do it, and every time I do I have internal battle with my own stubbornness. I hear peoples words and how hard they fight for me.
It always takes me an extended period of time to exit my sulk. I tell myself "C'mon Ash, you're pissing people off. Just brush it off. Admit to what you did a
nd it'll be over." But I stay silent because I feel like anything I say will be shut down, or will cause a further argument.
Usually a "Sorry, I messed up." Or a, "Actually this is what happened." fixes the issue. But I let people talk and make assumptions about my actions. While they do the talking, I usually have a RBF. So that doesn't help me either. I don't correct them in the moment because... well I'm still figuring that part out. Looking back I'm thinking "Girl, SPEAK UP." But in the moment? Crickets.
I stay silent, wait until I've had some time alone, then I express my feelings in a lengthy message. Or I realize that it's been way too long, shove my stubbornness down and throw all my honesty at them in a big rant. Nine times out of ten it's me apologizing, because I am wrong a lot, it's just me finding a way to admit it.
I think this perspective is interesting and I think it speaks to the concept of balance very well. I understand this idea of quietness as a form of defiance against well intentioned advice. However, I would go further to recognize it a a mechanism of defense. A way of protecting oneself from the scrutiny, sometimes unjustified, faced when you are in disagreement with someone else (especially an elder or parental figure). As young people, I believe that these people who we trust can often use their influential status to project their views on to us, without giving us the space to challenge their perspectives (because it may be dismissed as disrespectful).