top of page
Search

Safety in Silence

Updated: Sep 28, 2023

I sometimes go silent. From a young age, whenever something got difficult or I got in trouble, I would sink into a silence. My family and friends like to call it a "sulk". I know I do it, and every time I do I have internal battle with my own stubbornness. I hear peoples words and how hard they fight for me.


It always takes me an extended period of time to exit my sulk. I tell myself "C'mon Ash, you're pissing people off. Just brush it off. Admit to what you did a

ree

nd it'll be over." But I stay silent because I feel like anything I say will be shut down, or will cause a further argument.


Usually a "Sorry, I messed up." Or a, "Actually this is what happened." fixes the issue. But I let people talk and make assumptions about my actions. While they do the talking, I usually have a RBF. So that doesn't help me either. I don't correct them in the moment because... well I'm still figuring that part out. Looking back I'm thinking "Girl, SPEAK UP." But in the moment? Crickets.


I stay silent, wait until I've had some time alone, then I express my feelings in a lengthy message. Or I realize that it's been way too long, shove my stubbornness down and throw all my honesty at them in a big rant. Nine times out of ten it's me apologizing, because I am wrong a lot, it's just me finding a way to admit it.


 
 
 

Recent Posts

See All
See Yourself As I Do

I wish you could see yourself the way I do, to see the beauty and not what you need to "improve." I wish you could understand that the insecurities you hold aren't waiting to unfold. Your grip on them

 
 
 
Order #1264

I met up with my younger self for coffee. We agreed to meet at 10:00 a.m. She texted me at 9:55 saying she was just leaving. I replied...

 
 
 
The Ache and The Answer

Sometimes grief doesn’t just arrive, it knocks on doors that were supposed to be sealed shut. When my grandfather passed away, with his...

 
 
 

1 Comment

ywione1
Aug 10, 2023

I think this perspective is interesting and I think it speaks to the concept of balance very well. I understand this idea of quietness as a form of defiance against well intentioned advice. However, I would go further to recognize it a a mechanism of defense. A way of protecting oneself from the scrutiny, sometimes unjustified, faced when you are in disagreement with someone else (especially an elder or parental figure). As young people, I believe that these people who we trust can often use their influential status to project their views on to us, without giving us the space to challenge their perspectives (because it may be dismissed as disrespectful).

Like
  • Instagram
  • YouTube
bottom of page